So I've decided when I go home for break I'm getting serious. I've been losing weight slowly without really trying, which is nice, but I just can't take not being a "normal" (for me) size any longer. So when I go home I'm going to work out every day and start doing calisthenics again. I'm going to commandeer the basement fridge as my fridge again and keep my groceries separate like I did three summers ago, and I will not just eat mindlessly because I'm home. I'll watch tv on the elliptical instead of while eating on the couch. Yes.

And I am going to try really, really hard not to purge. I've done really well at it this quarter, but when I went home for Thanksgiving break it was like a purge festival everywhere. I don't want that to happen again.

So I have a massive fountain soda from Hutch, as usual, but I'm completely terrified that even though I got it out of the diet Pepsi thingamabobber it's actually full sugar. It doesn't taste right. Maybe they just didn't mix the seltzer water with the "syrup" correctly? It's just weird. And I'm super paranoid about it. I'm really bloated and it cost me two dollars (for, like, half a liter or something) and I want to fucking drink it but I'm afraid that I'm actually sucking down hundreds of calories.

This is so not what I should be using my brain power on right now.

So I was still losing weight, slowly but steadily. I know this because even after a huge dinner at home and a non-negligible lunch and Thanksgiving dinner and dessert I was still half a pound lower than I was when I got weighed at the doctor's office.

But I have spent the entire period from last Wednesday night to now, basically, stuffing myself. I feel disgusting. I look gross. I really really really need to unbloat tomorrow before I see the not-boyfriend.

I purged a little bit today and twice yesterday. It's horrible. I need to get back to Chicago where I don't eat crap all the livelong day.

Also, my aunt sent me a couple of pictures from Thanksgiving and I am such a goddamn behemoth whale that it's horrifying. I can't stand it. I want to hide whenever I look at them. More than ever I can't understand how not-boyfriend can stand to look at me, let alone see me naked, touch me, etc. etc.

Ate too much today (yesterday). Again. I sort of excused myself the previous couple days because it was the weekend, and I could theoretically excuse today because I started my period, but at this point it's heading toward habit again. That's not okay.

Gotta get back on it. Tomorrow should be easy as I literally have three hours when I'm not busy and usually by that time I'm so tired/unhungry/caffeinated that it's easy not to eat. The danger is at the very end of the day. Hopefully I can use it as some sort of jumpstart.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeep.

So I've continued to see a difference. I feel like my stomach is flatter and my face is thinner (most notably, my jawline is sharper), I'm slightly more aware of my hipbones (not that they're visible), and I can see more collarbone. But it's not a big difference since, oh, two weeks ago.

And today I had to go to the doctor, and they weighed me, and I came in at 163.

That's insane. It's about what I weighed when I was 12, i.e. before I started losing weight (didn't develop ED until years after that, but that's not the point right now). I know my body is different now from what it was then. I'm two inches taller and I have breasts and so on. And I definitely wear the weight very differently now than I did then (otherwise I wouldn't be so shocked).

But still. That number is always the number I feared getting back to. I know I was well over that by the time I got back to the States; in fact, I think I was about ten pounds over if I remember the times I got to weigh myself correctly. When I factor in that I had clothes on and had just eaten a fruit cup/drunk some coffee, I figure I really weigh more like 160-161. So that means I lost 10-13 pounds in the past two months.

That's really not so awful; it's a little over a pound a week, minimum, which is what you're supposed to do when you lose weight "the healthy way" (ha). But the thing is that that's also still 25 or 30 pounds over what I weighed for most of last year (I'm guessing based on what size I was, since I didn't have access to a scale; I suppose the difference could be smaller).

That freaks me the fuck out. If I keep losing weight this slowly I won't be back where I would like to be for six months, and that's assuming I don't start any binge cycles (which is kind of a big assumption). I can't deal with that thought.

So I guess I need to step it up. But I feel like I've already been doing decently well for the most part, and I don't know if I can give up drinking (which would probably be the simplest thing to cut out) because it's such a part of my social life. I guess I just have to try harder and be mindful.

It's also boggling my mind because I have this new boyfriend or whatever he is. And he not only likes me, he's very attracted to me. I've been mostly not thinking about it too hard, but when I saw that number today it made it even harder for me to comprehend. How could anybody want to see me naked right now? I mean, I know he's an ass man and I do carry a lot of weight in the booty, but still. It just does not compute for me.

All I can really think right now is a) to ignore how hungry I am (I made the mistake of eating breakfast and starting up my metabolism, which means I have been starvingly hungry all day) and b) to thank my DNA that at least I carry my weight super-proportionally all over my body so at least I am shaped in a reasonably sane fashion, even if everything is bigger and softer than I would want.

Gaaah. Gotta keep telling myself that progress is progress, no matter how small.

I did pretty well today, didn't eat anything but half a bowl of cereal (some Total high fiber shit, I'm too lazy to go look at the box)...but then I picked my roommate up at the airport.

And she wanted to stop at KFC.

A leg, thigh, biscuit, and side of wedges later, I want to fucking vomit. And I don't even mean the urge to purge, I mean my body is rejecting this shit hardcore and all I can do is lie around on the couch and whine because I feel so shitty.

I reeeeaaaaaally have to start my reading though. Okay. Gonna start. Any minute now. Yeah.

UUUUGGGGHHHH

The fact that I was already sick is also not helping.

God soooo tiiiiired

Today was not good. I woke up hungover at 9 am and at like 1 or 2 I think ended up at Steak & Shake on the way back from Madison because my friend wanted to go. Had a burger with cheese and bacon, had fries. Had a bunch of Sun Chips in the car. Then I went to the FUCKING INCREDIBLE Chromeo/Crystal Castles show, where I had a 4 drinks (the last couple I managed to get diet Coke into at least). Then I had another drink at Greg's place. Then when we got home I ate basically half a head of lettuce, my remaining baby carrots, two individual servings of Annie's Mac and Cheese, and some peanut butter.

On the other hand, I did spend 5 straight hours dancing and sweating, so hopefully that makes up for it a bit.

I have tomorrow to get un-ugly (not eat, lose all bloat, fix my eyebrows, get my hair cut) and then I have this dinner dtae on Sunday.

BEEEDTIIIIIIME

UUUUUGH I feel horrible. This is what happens when you deviate from your routine.

I had a cookie basically as soon as I woke up because my mother sent me a care package with these amazing peanut butter chocolate cookies she made and I wanted to try them. Then a few hours later I had another 1.5 cookies because my roommates were eating them and...I don't know. Both times I immediately felt sick (unaccustomed amounts of fat and sugar, I think) and then felt better.

Then one of my roommates and I were at Target and we bought a ton of stuff. I did really well in terms of not buying any crap, really--I didn't get the potato chips or the sugary cereal or the candy (except Tootsie Pops, which I consider a safe way to fend off my appetite). But I did have some of the roomie's chips in the car back, as well as some Wheat Thins.

And then I got home and had a big bowl of lettuce with vinaigrette and 2/3 a package of baby carrots with vinaigrette, and then a little bit of hummus (no bread) and then a piece of toast with cheese on it.

After the lettuce and carrots I was sitting there feeling full and gross and finally went out loud, "I'm soooooo full" and my roommates were all "what did you even eat?" and I told them and one of them yelled "YOU PUSSY!" and the other one was all, "I ate a WHOLE BAGUETTE earlier" and I just wanted to scream because they are both naturally really fucking thin even though they eat a lot and they eat fatty food a lot. It's just how they are. Okay, so you ate a damn baguette earlier. Good for you. Some of us have been subsisting on like two eggs a day for the past two weeks and are having trouble digesting some fucking lettuce and are STILL TWICE YOUR SIZE.

I'm SO UNBELIEVABLY FULL and I feel SO FUCKING SHITTY. At least the bulk of what I ate was vegetables, and seeing as I haven't been able to afford vegetables for like two weeks it's probably good for me. I bet I ate so many carrots because I'm vitamin-deprived. Or because I have no self-control and wasn't paying attention.

Anyway, I'm really full and my stomach is rumbling trying to digest all this totally unaccustomed stuff and bleh.

I got the urge to just go ahead and binge and then purge it all up, but 1) I saved myself by not buying crap earlier today (I could still make a binge of it if I wanted, but I don't have the energy to make mac and cheese or open the jar of peanut butter. I can't decide if that's pathetic or a sign of some degree of mental health) and 2) I have to sing tomorrow. Purging is really bad for my throat, which means it's bad for my voice, and my throat is already bothering me. Plus, it'll make my face huge and puffy and disgusting, and I'd rather not sing in front of a largeish audience at another university where I've never been before in that condition.

So the point is I'm not going to binge (good) but I'm so tired and I have more work to do and I have to be in class in 8.5 hours. And I wanted to get a decent amount of sleep tonight so I can perform well tomorrow.

Hell.

I plan to bring the cookies to Wisconsin tomorrow and feed them to my singing group. Hopefully that, at least, will no longer be an issue.

Ended up eating more than I should have. Had another egg/bagel/cheese thing, which brings the tally to two eggs, one bagel, 2 cheese slices; then had some potato chips and a Kit Kat from my roommate. FAIL.

At least my paper is done. None of the OTHER SHIT due tomorrow even got looked at, but this one important thing is done and that will have to be good enough. I need sleep really fucking badly right now.

Another ridiculous day. Last week and this week are so fucking insane. I woke up a three hours later than I wanted to today (which wasn't a disaster since I wanted to wake up early to do work and it's probably good that I slept six hours instead of three) and was still so exhausted I could barely function. I went to therapy (what a joke, I don't like the woman I talk to very much but the fact that I go keeps my parents off my back) and then Arabic class, during which I was almost nodding off at points.

I got coffee, went home, sat around for maybe half an hour, changed, went to campus, and then drove with Zack and Sarah to someplace way up on the North Side where we (and the other 13 people in the group, obviously) sang for homeless people. That was pretty awesome, they were a great audience.

That energized me a bit, but I can feel the exhaustion coming back and I'm worried since I have a huge amount of reading and writing to do tonight (paper due tomorrow, reading response due tomorrow, Arabic homework due tomorrow). I'll probably try to get my thoughts in order for the paper and then maybe take a nap (which please god let me wake up from when I need to)

All I've eaten today is 1 egg, 1 1/2 small bagel and 1 slice of cheese (all together in a delicious sandwich). Other than that it's been coffee and now tea (so I can feel fuller) and I'll definitely be drinking more coffee soon. God, I'm so screwed; singing has been taking up way way way too much time.

I saw the most gorgeous girl on campus the other day. She looked exactly like what I want to look like, i.e. she was exactly my type and I stared at her way too much. She had short dark hair, was very thin, and was dressed in the androgynous style I love to rock when I can (i.e. when I'm thinner than this). I have no idea who she was and haven't seen her since.

But, I have a date with that boy on Sunday. I guess we'll see how it goes--I don't know him well enough yet to decide whether I really like him and want to go for it (whatever "it" is) or not. The excellent conversation about Ancient Near Eastern languages and philology we've been having via Facebook messages for the past week is very promising, though.

I've definitely lost weight (thank the fucking lord). A high-waisted skirt that I couldn't zip up all the way a few weeks ago now fits properly--it even fits better than it did on Saturday. Huzzah! I'm getting back toward my normal size, which is still bigger than I'd like but at least isn't blimp-sized.

Okay, time to get papering.